By Lilly Fei (⻜岗) |
 | Dawn Scott is an adoptive parent residing in Austin, Texas with her daughter and their dogs, Lucky and Sadie. Past President of AKA, and longtime open records advocate, Dawn also expresses her passion for transparency as a Senior Manager with Beautycounter, the leading provider of clean skin care and cosmetics in North America. www.texasadopteerights.org www.Beautycounter.com/dawnscott |
It’s hard to multiply fractions when you’re wondering if your first mom remembers you.
Ruminating thoughts of “Do I have biological siblings?” may make it challenging to focus while studying World History.
Believing one family didn’t want you and being terrified to disappoint your current family might make it near impossible to complete or even begin a science project.
Identifying with the perception of your birth-culture’s reputation for braininess while struggling to maintain a C average, may lead to feelings of defeat and inadequacy, culminating in a
“why bother” attitude.
Adopted kids and teens are thinking about their biological families, even if they aren’t talking about it. They spend time wondering if they have genetic brothers and sisters they might look like, where their biological family lives and whether their birth parents are alive. These are just a few discoveries I’ve uncovered in my collaborative work with adoptive parents and adopted kids. During our work together I help parents act as non-judgmental, curious detectives as we uncover reasons that explain behaviors. Once parents have a better understanding of the adoptive experience and the language to talk about grief, loss, separation, trauma and identity, they become their child’s best advocates.
Adoptees experience trauma – even when they are adopted at birth or shortly after. Older children adopted after multiple placements may experience further trauma. If separation from one’s biological family occurs before language develops, the memory is stored in the brain as an “implicit memory” and a child can’t explain why they are feeling a certain way. This is where attuned parents can help put words to an otherwise word-less memory.
As Bessel van der Kolk, noted trauma expert and author of The Body Keeps the Score, wisely explains, “We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
We also know that our brains change throughout the lifespan and much of that change can happen in the context of relationships. Adoptive parents can help their children by being open to their questions, feelings and struggles. They can lead conversations about the adoption even when their kids aren’t talking. By doing so they let their children know it’s ok to ask questions and it’s ok to experience whatever feelings they have. When adoptive parents have done their own work around adoption related issues, educated themselves about the grief and loss inherent in separation, and seek support from an adoption-informed therapist when necessary, they are best prepared to help their kids thrive.
Ruminating thoughts of “Do I have biological siblings?” may make it challenging to focus while studying World History.
Believing one family didn’t want you and being terrified to disappoint your current family might make it near impossible to complete or even begin a science project.
Identifying with the perception of your birth-culture’s reputation for braininess while struggling to maintain a C average, may lead to feelings of defeat and inadequacy, culminating in a
“why bother” attitude.
Adopted kids and teens are thinking about their biological families, even if they aren’t talking about it. They spend time wondering if they have genetic brothers and sisters they might look like, where their biological family lives and whether their birth parents are alive. These are just a few discoveries I’ve uncovered in my collaborative work with adoptive parents and adopted kids. During our work together I help parents act as non-judgmental, curious detectives as we uncover reasons that explain behaviors. Once parents have a better understanding of the adoptive experience and the language to talk about grief, loss, separation, trauma and identity, they become their child’s best advocates.
Adoptees experience trauma – even when they are adopted at birth or shortly after. Older children adopted after multiple placements may experience further trauma. If separation from one’s biological family occurs before language develops, the memory is stored in the brain as an “implicit memory” and a child can’t explain why they are feeling a certain way. This is where attuned parents can help put words to an otherwise word-less memory.
As Bessel van der Kolk, noted trauma expert and author of The Body Keeps the Score, wisely explains, “We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
We also know that our brains change throughout the lifespan and much of that change can happen in the context of relationships. Adoptive parents can help their children by being open to their questions, feelings and struggles. They can lead conversations about the adoption even when their kids aren’t talking. By doing so they let their children know it’s ok to ask questions and it’s ok to experience whatever feelings they have. When adoptive parents have done their own work around adoption related issues, educated themselves about the grief and loss inherent in separation, and seek support from an adoption-informed therapist when necessary, they are best prepared to help their kids thrive.
| Lesli Johnson, MFT uses a collaborative approach in her work with clients and is certified in EMDR, She has presented at AKA conferences several times over the past decade. Lesli is also an adoptee. lesli@yourmindfulbrain.com askadoption.com |  |
Here are my gloves. The other day I was listening to the latest episode of the podcast Adoptees On. I don’t remember how I first learned about the podcast, but I remember where I was when I heard it: walking the dam in Los Gatos. It was season one, episode 1: Carrie.
I walked and listened, knowing my life was never going to be the same.
I had found my people.
Later, much later, I went to my first adoptee conference in Indiana. I felt like a fish that was finally in the right tank of water. I could breathe. After a lifetime of feeling weird or different I saw that there were a lot of other people who felt like me.
What an incredible relief. It’s like I had been born wearing a girdle and someone showed me that I could take it off.
I could expand.
Marci Purcell has the most beautiful eyes. They see you. I don’t remember where I first met her because all I remember was the sensation of stillness, of love. It may have been at Indiana. It may have been at an AKA conference. All I know is that I felt seen. As a human, this is a remarkable experience, and as an adoptee it can be life-changing, life-saving: to be seen in a way that feels like mirroring.
I wish, of course, AKA’s conference was happening this year for so many reasons. It’s healing and informative for me to be with other adoptees, and it is also healing and informative for me to be with other members of the adoption triad so I can better get a sense of how really we are on the same page: we want the best lives possible for the children of the world, and together we can work at defining what that means. Together we can find ways to fully appreciate each other.
I hated first mothers until I met one. I had thought the mother who had given birth to me must have hated me to put me up for adoption and then to deny contact later in life, but then I heard the stories of other first mothers, and I understood I had no idea what was going on in their heads, no idea of the depth of their trauma and grief. If my first mother were alive, I would stop bothering her. I have stopped reaching out to her family. They do not owe me anything, and I am--yes, I am going to say it because I truly believe it is true--lucky to be alive, lucky to have the life I have.
I could have taken myself out of the game. It’s tempting, as an adoptee sometimes, to disappear.
But the will to stay and the decision to make the most of the life you have is an amazing experience—at least it was for me. I still am a body and a brain that has fury and sudden changes in emotions, sudden dips into depression, but I am more generous with myself. It’s
okay, Baby, I say. Hold on. Do the next right thing. Hold on. You are not alone. The more kind and real I am to myself, the more kind and real I am to others, and the more kind and real my life becomes.
More and more I feel I am living from my heart instead of from my dysregulated nervous system, but, holy cow, this is a process. Talk about baby steps! One step forward, two steps back. Repeat.
I had deep issues with my parents who adopted me until I wrote about my thoughts and actions and came to terms with my fury and their confusion. Now I just wish my mom were alive so I could tell her I love her with all my heart, my raging, broken, loving heart. I do tell my dad who is still alive, and it is a relief. He is not my biological father, but he is the father I got, and either I can rage against the dealings of the cards or I can be in my body, in my life, and love the best that I can. I love you, Dad, even though we are so different. I love you even though we are so similar.
When Marci asked if I would write a piece for AKA’s newsletter, I felt, again, seen. She believes I have something to say, something of worth. These things matter: having a sense of worth, feeling seen.
At the end of the latest Adoptees On episode (the latest now, on April 14, 2020), Haley asked Kevin for his recommended resource and he started to talk about me. He talked about the time we had lunch; he talked about my book, the writing classes I teach. He talked me UP, and I, of course, cried.
We adoptees see each other. We support each other. We lift each other UP.
And when we gather as a triad, the opportunities for support and understanding are endless.
Anne Heffron, author of the memoir, You Don’t Look Adopted, is currently writer-in-residence, farmer-in-training at Spirit Hill Farm in Sebastopol, California. She is a writing coach for people in the U.S., Australia, New Zealand, England, and Canada. She has a 75-minute class she calls Write or Die that is meant to get you off and running on your writing project (and in your life). She has no recent picture of herself because she has been on her own with the the chickens and the turkeys for months now it seems and does not love selfies. Hence the photo of her gloves.
1. Find community.
Finding a place where you “feel felt” is so important. Our feelings
need to be validated and our experiences shared. When we are able
to do that in the context of community, inviting others to witness our
stories, transformation happens and healing occurs. I certainly see
this transpire among the members of a group I co-facilitate for teens
who were adopted. Teen AdoptCONNECT is a safe place for kids to
express their feelings and in return get the validation from others
who “get them.” Find a group or create one if there isn’t one in your
city or town. Attend an adoption related conference or talk to others
who are walking a similar path. While in person meetups are great,
there are also wonderful opportunities to connect online. Check out
the podcasts AdopteesON and Born in June Raised in April, and the
Facebook pages Ask Adoption and Hello I’m Adopted.
Finding a place where you “feel felt” is so important. Our feelings
need to be validated and our experiences shared. When we are able
to do that in the context of community, inviting others to witness our
stories, transformation happens and healing occurs. I certainly see
this transpire among the members of a group I co-facilitate for teens
who were adopted. Teen AdoptCONNECT is a safe place for kids to
express their feelings and in return get the validation from others
who “get them.” Find a group or create one if there isn’t one in your
city or town. Attend an adoption related conference or talk to others
who are walking a similar path. While in person meetups are great,
there are also wonderful opportunities to connect online. Check out
the podcasts AdopteesON and Born in June Raised in April, and the
Facebook pages Ask Adoption and Hello I’m Adopted.
2. Move your body!
Walk, run, hop, dance, skip, swim, ride your bicycle! As people who
were adopted, we experienced a profound loss that many of us can’t
recall consciously because it happened before we had language to
describe the event. The memory instead is held in our midbrain and
our nervous systems are often sensitive and can easily become
dysregulated. Others who do recall separations and transitions and
can put words to the events may still experience a heighted state of
vigilance leading to anxiety or depression.
Exercise and movement are great regulators. Exercise activates the
body’s natural healing process by boosting the levels of serotonin
and endorphins in the brain. These are the “feel good” chemicals.
Yoga, tennis, bike riding are my go-tos.
Walk, run, hop, dance, skip, swim, ride your bicycle! As people who
were adopted, we experienced a profound loss that many of us can’t
recall consciously because it happened before we had language to
describe the event. The memory instead is held in our midbrain and
our nervous systems are often sensitive and can easily become
dysregulated. Others who do recall separations and transitions and
can put words to the events may still experience a heighted state of
vigilance leading to anxiety or depression.
Exercise and movement are great regulators. Exercise activates the
body’s natural healing process by boosting the levels of serotonin
and endorphins in the brain. These are the “feel good” chemicals.
Yoga, tennis, bike riding are my go-tos.
3. Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is moment to moment intentional awareness…of
thoughts, emotions, and sensations, without judgment. It’s a way of
focusing your attention. It’s being awake. Mindfulness is a way to
recognize thoughts, feelings and sensations and relate to them more
skillfully. It’s the opposite of being on automatic pilot where many of
us spend a lot of time. Mindfulness allows us to feel more in control
of our thoughts and feelings rather than being controlled by them.
Over time, with regular practice, mindfulness changes the way our
brains are wired – it prunes away the least used connections and
strengthens the ones we use the most. Mindfulness makes our
default a more resilient state. Attention becomes more focused and
we cultivate compassion for ourselves and others which leads to
feeling more connected. Mindfulness lowers our blood pressure and
stress level and strengthens our immune system. In short, we feel
better! I enjoy the wisdom of Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach and Sharon
Salzberg (to name a few) and I LOVE the apps Calm and Insight Timer.
As Sharon Salzberg reminds us, “Mindfulness isn’t difficult; we just
need to remember to do it.”
Mindfulness is moment to moment intentional awareness…of
thoughts, emotions, and sensations, without judgment. It’s a way of
focusing your attention. It’s being awake. Mindfulness is a way to
recognize thoughts, feelings and sensations and relate to them more
skillfully. It’s the opposite of being on automatic pilot where many of
us spend a lot of time. Mindfulness allows us to feel more in control
of our thoughts and feelings rather than being controlled by them.
Over time, with regular practice, mindfulness changes the way our
brains are wired – it prunes away the least used connections and
strengthens the ones we use the most. Mindfulness makes our
default a more resilient state. Attention becomes more focused and
we cultivate compassion for ourselves and others which leads to
feeling more connected. Mindfulness lowers our blood pressure and
stress level and strengthens our immune system. In short, we feel
better! I enjoy the wisdom of Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach and Sharon
Salzberg (to name a few) and I LOVE the apps Calm and Insight Timer.
As Sharon Salzberg reminds us, “Mindfulness isn’t difficult; we just
need to remember to do it.”
4. Explore nature. Get dirty.
I put these two together because there’s something fantastic and oh
so healing about being in nature and if you get dirty while you’re out
there, good! Take a walk, go to a park, find a green space, even if it’s
just a patch. Find a river or stream…a pond or the ocean and count
seagulls or ladybugs. Pull out your bicycle and ride like you did when
you were nine…ring that bell. Consider camping and if you go, build a
campfire and roast some marshmallows under the stars. Do you have
space to plant a garden? If not, get a pot and plant a flower or two in
the morning sunshine. It all adds up.
I put these two together because there’s something fantastic and oh
so healing about being in nature and if you get dirty while you’re out
there, good! Take a walk, go to a park, find a green space, even if it’s
just a patch. Find a river or stream…a pond or the ocean and count
seagulls or ladybugs. Pull out your bicycle and ride like you did when
you were nine…ring that bell. Consider camping and if you go, build a
campfire and roast some marshmallows under the stars. Do you have
space to plant a garden? If not, get a pot and plant a flower or two in
the morning sunshine. It all adds up.
5. Play!
Do something fun. Dr. Stuart Brown, the founder of the National
Institute for Play says “If adults can begin to reminisce about their
happiest and most memorable moments, they can capture the
emotion and visual memories of those moments and begin to
connect again to what truly excites them in life.” Take some time to
recall how you played as a child. What did you love to do? Now
recreate that, no matter how silly it seems and see what happens?
Do something fun. Dr. Stuart Brown, the founder of the National
Institute for Play says “If adults can begin to reminisce about their
happiest and most memorable moments, they can capture the
emotion and visual memories of those moments and begin to
connect again to what truly excites them in life.” Take some time to
recall how you played as a child. What did you love to do? Now
recreate that, no matter how silly it seems and see what happens?
6. Work with an adoption-competent therapist.
Neuroplasticity is brilliant. Our brains change throughout our
lifespan. It’s never too late to work through adoption related issues
(or any issues for that matter). I wouldn’t wake up each day excited
about my work if I didn’t believe this to be true!
In my work with clients I combine talk therapy with two other
therapies that are especially effective with trauma and/or events
that occur pre-verbally, that is before we have the language to
describe what happened. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and
Reprocessing) and Brainspotting are helpful therapies that work with
the body-mind and allow access to the subcortical areas of the brain
where traumatic memories are stored. I guide clients to address
memories and work through blocking beliefs so they can live their
best lives in the present, knowing all that has happened but feeling in
charge of their lives today.
Lesli Johnson, MFT uses a collaborative approach in her work with clients and is certified in EMDR, She has presented at AKA conferences several times over the past decade. Lesli is also an adoptee.
www.askadoption.com
www.facebook.com/askadoption
Instagram is @askadoption
Neuroplasticity is brilliant. Our brains change throughout our
lifespan. It’s never too late to work through adoption related issues
(or any issues for that matter). I wouldn’t wake up each day excited
about my work if I didn’t believe this to be true!
In my work with clients I combine talk therapy with two other
therapies that are especially effective with trauma and/or events
that occur pre-verbally, that is before we have the language to
describe what happened. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and
Reprocessing) and Brainspotting are helpful therapies that work with
the body-mind and allow access to the subcortical areas of the brain
where traumatic memories are stored. I guide clients to address
memories and work through blocking beliefs so they can live their
best lives in the present, knowing all that has happened but feeling in
charge of their lives today.
Lesli Johnson, MFT uses a collaborative approach in her work with clients and is certified in EMDR, She has presented at AKA conferences several times over the past decade. Lesli is also an adoptee.
www.askadoption.com
www.facebook.com/askadoption
Instagram is @askadoption
Support Texas Adoptee Rights Board of directors, advocates, and AKA members pose with Legislators who cosponsored HB2725 during the STAR's 2019 Lobby Day.
by Dawn Scott, Vice President
STAR-Support Texas Adoptee Rights
Legislative sessions can seem a bit daunting here in Texas, and the political climate itself might feel so polarizing and exacerbating that we tune out, but here are a few updates on bills that I hope you’ll be interested in hearing about as they directly impact our adoption community.
HB2725 authored by freshman Rep. Gina Calanni, herself an adoptee, enjoyed one of the highest tallies of Co-authorship in the House with 35 sponsors, aligning both sides of the aisle. It would have restored the right of an adopted person to access their OBC (original birth certificate) without the current protracted adjudication process. HB2725 successfully passed out of the Public Health Committee after an eleventh inning revote thanks to the continued efforts of advocates and Capital allies. In a pivotal moment, Chairman Senfronia Thompson convened her committee on very short notice exclusively to gather that key majority vote before the deadline. It then passed favorably out from the Calendars Committee and was scheduled to be heard for a floor vote on the final night of eligibility, but was left to die stalled behind a few controversial bills that were hotly debated in the very last hours of session. Heartbreaking as this seems, the good news is legislators were still signing on in support that evening, a strong signal that momentum continues to mount for this clean OBC access bill. Equal rights for adult adoptees remains a nonpartisan, popular issue that will return in 2021!
A positive outcome for foster youth was attained with passage of HB 123 by Rep James White, that streamlined procedures for obtaining drivers licenses. Companion bill SB481 by Sen. Kirk Watson was placed onto the coveted local and uncontested calendar in the final days of session and it’s passage was widely applauded as a victory to further independence and self-determination of youth overcoming systemic bureaucratic hurdles. CASA among other groups supported this legislation.
https://capitol.texas.gov/BillLookup/History.aspx?LegSess=86R&Bill=SB1259
A bill establishing criminal penalties for physicians and others who tamper with or otherwise violate the integrity of transferred genetic material during ART and insemination procedures was also passed. Initiated by citizen champion, Eve Wiley of Dallas, whose surprise DNA saga attracted national media attention, even appearing on abc’s 20-20, this law aims to prevent fertility fraud by raising the offense to a felony sexual assault. SB 1259 sponsored by Joan Huffman, was passed unanimously by both chambers, signed by Gov. Abbott and became law effective Sept.1st.
STAR-Support Texas Adoptee Rights
Legislative sessions can seem a bit daunting here in Texas, and the political climate itself might feel so polarizing and exacerbating that we tune out, but here are a few updates on bills that I hope you’ll be interested in hearing about as they directly impact our adoption community.
HB2725 authored by freshman Rep. Gina Calanni, herself an adoptee, enjoyed one of the highest tallies of Co-authorship in the House with 35 sponsors, aligning both sides of the aisle. It would have restored the right of an adopted person to access their OBC (original birth certificate) without the current protracted adjudication process. HB2725 successfully passed out of the Public Health Committee after an eleventh inning revote thanks to the continued efforts of advocates and Capital allies. In a pivotal moment, Chairman Senfronia Thompson convened her committee on very short notice exclusively to gather that key majority vote before the deadline. It then passed favorably out from the Calendars Committee and was scheduled to be heard for a floor vote on the final night of eligibility, but was left to die stalled behind a few controversial bills that were hotly debated in the very last hours of session. Heartbreaking as this seems, the good news is legislators were still signing on in support that evening, a strong signal that momentum continues to mount for this clean OBC access bill. Equal rights for adult adoptees remains a nonpartisan, popular issue that will return in 2021!
A positive outcome for foster youth was attained with passage of HB 123 by Rep James White, that streamlined procedures for obtaining drivers licenses. Companion bill SB481 by Sen. Kirk Watson was placed onto the coveted local and uncontested calendar in the final days of session and it’s passage was widely applauded as a victory to further independence and self-determination of youth overcoming systemic bureaucratic hurdles. CASA among other groups supported this legislation.
https://capitol.texas.gov/BillLookup/History.aspx?LegSess=86R&Bill=SB1259
A bill establishing criminal penalties for physicians and others who tamper with or otherwise violate the integrity of transferred genetic material during ART and insemination procedures was also passed. Initiated by citizen champion, Eve Wiley of Dallas, whose surprise DNA saga attracted national media attention, even appearing on abc’s 20-20, this law aims to prevent fertility fraud by raising the offense to a felony sexual assault. SB 1259 sponsored by Joan Huffman, was passed unanimously by both chambers, signed by Gov. Abbott and became law effective Sept.1st.
Dawn Scott is the current Vice President of Support Texas Adoptee Rights (STAR). She has been serving on the board since 2015. She is also past president of Adoption Knowledge Affiliates and currently serves in an advisory role to the AKA Board of Directors. Dawn is passionate about adoptee rights for all adoptees, both in Texas and nationally. When Dawn is not advocating at the Capitol she is devoting time to her passions - her Beauty Counter small business, and her top priority, raising her daughter Ava with the same commitment to leadership, advocacy and truth.
www.texasadopteerights.org & www.Beautycounter.com/dawnscott
www.texasadopteerights.org & www.Beautycounter.com/dawnscott
With the advent of DNA testing, the rising prevalence of open adoptions, and the challenges we face in our current foster care system, Adoption Knowledge Affiliates is more relevant than ever. As we approach our 25th year serving Central Texas, we’d like to take a moment to say thank you for your dedicated support. AKA is a grassroots, member funded organization, advocating for change and providing community support. Without you, we could not offer our individual services, innovative monthly programing, and our annual conference. Impacting the Austin community and beyond with our message of truth and honesty in adoption practices since 1992 is indeed an accomplishment. It is an accomplishment you can take pride in, not possible without your generous support, year after year.
Back to Main Blog
Newsletter Archives
Blog Archive
June 2022
February 2022
November 2021
October 2021
June 2021
May 2021
March 2021
November 2020
October 2020
September 2020
August 2020
May 2020
April 2020
February 2020
September 2019
July 2018
RSS Feed
