Identity

By Ereka Howard
According to Dictionary.com, identity is defined as the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, under varying aspects or conditions. I spent two years in foster care and then was adopted as a toddler. As a child growing up in a predominantly African American family, one reason I struggled with identity was due to not looking like the family that adopted me. When I was younger, I remember looking at my parents and thinking maybe they really were my biological parents and just didn't want to tell me. Maybe a swan brought me in and dropped me off at their door.

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During adolescence, I would always sneak away and look at my Baby Book. It included personal information relating to my story and my parents' ethnicity but no names. Sometimes, looking at my baby book made me more insecure about my identity, and in return, I would try to fit in with kids who always caused problems in school.

After graduation I decided to dig into who Ereka was and reunite with my biological family and was willing to do whatever it took. The first step was to unseal my adoption records in Texas and pay to have them sent to me via USPS. I became a professional investigator at the age of 18-20 years old by speaking with the court system and backtracking everything that was recorded within 20+ years as it relates to my records and what happened in court.

My book “Identity Crisis” included research on identity as it relates to adoptees. The task of adopted adolescents’ identity development is often more difficult and includes questions about the biological family, why he or she was placed for adoption, what became of the birth parents, whether the adolescent resembles the birth parents in looks or in other characteristics and where the adolescent ‘belongs’ in terms of education, social class, culture, peer group, and more. Often, adoptees wonder why they were adopted. They may begin to feel guilty or shameful for being adopted. For example, the adoptee will think that biological parents did not want them because of the way they looked or acted. As the child gets older and develops in their environment, he or she will either adapt or break away.

I found out my biological mother passed away before I could ever meet her. I struggled with that. It was especially painful to know that I’d been at least 3 years too late. I can remember it like it was yesterday talking to the prison guard over the phone. My mental health has suffered a lot because of my identity physically, mentally and emotionally.

Finding out that my biological mother passed away caused me to become guilty and depressed. Letting things fall into place was the best thing I could have done. It wasn't until 2008 that I finally reunited with my grandmother. Soon after, a trip to meet my biological family in Cuba became a priority, though that trip happened years later. My international documentary “Initiative” highlights that experience. The producers traveled with me to Cuba and shot the reunion as well as interviews with my family.

Thinking about me and my journey and finding who Ereka is has been and I believe will continue to be a lifelong journey. Sometimes, my identity becomes a problem when I am faced with issues that require me to be myself, such as relationships. Dating has been challenging. I used to compare myself to other people and have had trouble finding my uniqueness.

As I become older, I tend to remind myself of how far I have truly come in my identity. Even after publishing a bestselling book, it still doesn't define who I truly am. Finding myself has also been a beautiful thing when it comes to helping other adoptees with their identity. When I was adopted, my birth name stated Erica Marilyn Rodriguez, and then changed to Ereka Shonet'a Howard, so as you can see, the struggle started early for me.

My biological grandmother still calls me Marilyncita which brings joy to me. Reuniting with her and my biological uncle and family has brought a lot of closure to my life. I sometimes see my mother in her even though I was only 5-6 months old when I last saw her. To this day, I find myself comparing my hands, feet, demeanor, and other things to her to see how much we have in common with each other. The chain around my neck used to be my biological mother's before she passed away and I always try to wear it daily.

Ereka Howard is a certified Life Coach, Clinician, Author, and Adoptee. She shares her life experiences to teach and empower others. Eureka holds a Bachelor of Science in Exercise and Sports Science and a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She is currently working on a Doctorate in Counseling Education and Supervision.
For more information on her book “Identity Crisis,” her upcoming documentary, coaching, and speaking engagements visit her website at MsErekaHoward.com.

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