 By Anna Linde I came to Sweden as a six-week-old baby, adopted from Brazil. Dealing with life, as well as navigating intimacy and distance, is an ongoing process when you come from a background and history of traumatic separations. Coming from an upbringing in a white-dominant society, I’m used to being “othered,” but what has been truly shattering is that Swedish society doesn’t use the term “race.” Being othered and exposed to racism in a country where race isn’t acknowledged is a trauma in itself. Since my teenage years, I had a will and curiosity to dig deeper into the true meaning of roots, family, and culture, where my own sexuality played an important role. After I took my BAs in social work, I studied Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dance and Movement Therapy (DMT), where my interest in psychosomatic expressions accelerated. A natural continuation to this was to do my Master of Science in Sexology and now, I´m also a Certified Sexcoach (WASC) and a Sexological Bodyworker in training. I integrate different levels of consciousness through the practice of movement to extend and connect what your body is trying to express when your words are not enough. How would words ever be enough for us to heal later on? Understanding sex and sexuality is a challenge that usually begins in adolescence, as we discover everything from erotic language to photos, videos, and media. The daily buzz of sexual content in every corner of the internet tends to focus solely on “ideals” - ideals about bodies, the functionality of bodies, and how sexual connection and relationships should be and what they should include. Not only are these ideals unrealistic, but they are also not adjusted to the background and upbringing that adoptees have. Our approach and understanding of relationships follow a different “normal” with its own unique longings and pain points on what should be included. For adoptees, ideas about what is normal often come with a scope of anxiety and stress. If it's not the obvious stress and fear of being Othered, it's the fear of rejection or non-acceptance within the group for those already counted as Normal. The phenomenon of being Othered has haunted me and many other adoptees’ since our destinies as adopted were sealed. Being an “Other” means being positioned as different; our appearance causes us to stand out, and we are automatically sorted…aside. Or, sorted to another place. This is also an emotional distance that exists alongside the physical distance we so clearly visualize. It comes from the difficulty of feeling empathy for someone who is not with you; on your side. Being positioned as different means exactly that: we are not with each other but rather different from one another, and these differences are at risk of becoming the leading stars in our future interactions. Being different doesn’t mean we are against each other, but for the person being Othered, and for you - two different positions—, yet visible to one another, with the need to stand apart? This distance and these positions of difference automatically create tension, which sometimes manifests as sexual arousal. Moving forward: you approaching me; I’m in one place and you at the same, but somewhere else. Movement towards our goal—intimate encounters with sexual contact—to free ourselves? Or movement dictated by ordinary dating rules? Fear, anxiety, stress, strong inner critical thoughts, and distrust are all included in the expectations surrounding dating and intimacy. For adoptees, these are multiplied. The anxiety of not belonging and the fear of rejection are intensified for anyone with separation trauma and shattered relationships. The exposure to Othering often brings the same negative experiences of separation to life again—a re-traumatization. Yes, we all know that situations are different in many ways, and it shouldn’t be so important to be chosen by someone you fall in love with in middle school. So we are told. The problem is, that even if the context is different, the adoptee is the same. You, as me - alone, facing the two-sided coin of falling in love and longing for unconditional love while also being Othered and having only negative experiences of separation and what it means to be chosen - and not. Othering affects us negatively as adults, even if we overcome the immediate fear of rejection because we are repeatedly seen as the one who doesn’t belong. If we make it as far as an intimate meeting and sexual encounter with our lover, we quickly realize that our bodies are nothing but a web—woven with our strongest longings and fears. The web penetrates us from all sides, highlighting the complexity of embodying all of this—of embodying all of me—in a sexual interaction with someone else. Two souls lost in the face of this truth. The sexual meeting as in irreplaceable minutes, carrying the strength in being held, in belonging, and in melting together. An adoptee’s perspective on sexual health and intimacy is so much more than only attachment theory, that commonly is centered as the reason for adoptees’ being “broken from the start” and other disturbing simplifications of all the layers and dimensions of human and sexual identities. *** I offer intimacy coaching for adoptees who wish to reconnect with intimacy through somatic sexology and a deeper understanding of embodiment as a concept and daily practice. Visit https://www.healingxchg.com/intimacy-for-adult-adoptees for more information about the coaching program, and schedule your free consultation to learn more about me and how we can work together. I teach SexED; primarily with a focus on how adoptive parents can include important topics such as boundaries and consent in their daily life. Other topics that I´m passionate about are SRHR from a human rights perspective, neurodivergent expressions in sexual contexts, and pornography and its risks when it becomes the leading star. AKA invites you to hear from members of the extended family of adoption and the surrounding community. While we take great care in curating the content, please know:
1 Comment
9/12/2024 07:49:53 am
This is excellent! I lived with sex addiction for many years and assumed it was just attachment style and trauma. This explanation makes so much sense. Leave a Reply. |
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