 By K E Garland Initial immersion into the adoptee community felt like a warm hug and a return to a home I didn’t know existed. Though I was a stranger among strangers, I was welcomed with openness and immediate connections. I quickly learned what happens when adoptees convene: we communicate through a shared language and heart-centered interactions. Oftentimes, we connect without speaking at all. Adoptees are capable of curating pockets of comfort where we bear witness to one another’s truths. We intuitively know how to hold one another’s sadness and joy. Sometimes, however, relating to adoptees can feel overwhelming, and engaging can trigger latent issues. In my brief experience, I’ve learned that we must carefully navigate these spaces with intentionality and care. What follows are ways that may support us as we continue to build friendships and expand adoptee-centered communities. Develop self-awareness. Currently, adoptees’ voices are being amplified to raise awareness. We long for our adopters, birth parents, and those outside of the constellation to understand the pain some of us have endured. Raising others’ awareness is an integral part of effecting change, but something else is equally important—developing awareness of oneself. This is no easy feat. Developing self-awareness requires introspection—an examination of one’s own thoughts and feelings. We can journal and meditate to become introspective, but these are merely tools. In my experience, the act of introspection requires intentional reflection. For example, we can commit to a plan of journaling, meditation, and reflection during and after adoption conferences and meetups. Deliberately processing what arises during interactions with fellow adoptees can help you locate triggers and subsequent opportunities for personal growth. This could lead you to a deeper sense of self-awareness, which will allow you to engage with others in healthier ways. Embrace your identities. For over 40 years, researchers have known that there are seven core issues in adoption, one of them being identity (Silverstein & Kaplan, 1982). As a result of anxious and avoidant attachment styles that are common for adopted people, Roszia and Davis Maxon (2019) have added that identity issues can affect relationships and self-esteem. In fact, these scholars said that “if…constellation members have not fully addressed the initial four core issues, identity issues may occur” (p. 147). Meaning, if you haven’t dealt with the loss, rejection, shame and guilt, and grief of being adopted, then you may continue to struggle with being your authentic self in your everyday life. This can negatively affect how you show up in adoption spaces. In talking with adopted people, I’ve sensed that some seem to cling to an adoptee identity. For some of us, this sole way of being can offer a sense of importance we may not have felt since the day we were “chosen.” For others, it may offer a feeling we’ve never felt at all—importance. In the adoption community, we can become superstars, who are valued simply for our lived experiences. If we are credentialed, it is easy to garner attention through platforms, podcasts, and organizations. We are finally seen, heard, and belong, just for being our adopted selves. Many seem to use their adoptee status in positive ways, but I fear some use an adoptee identity to boost self-esteem. Additionally, this identity can be pain-centered. So, I’d like to offer an alternative thought: We are more than our birth parents’ relinquishment choices; we are more than the dreams we may have fulfilled for our adopters; and we are more than the adoption trauma that has ensued. Being an adoptee is one part of our whole selves. Recognizing this is an important first step toward building an authentic sense of self. Acknowledging all our identities is a second. One way to learn who you are, sans adoption, is to dive into fourteen questions Roszia and Davis Maxon (2019) created. Here are a few of my favorites: ● Who are you? List all of the words you would use to describe yourself. ● Which part of that list would you openly share with others? Which parts of yourself would you keep private? ● When do you feel as if you are masquerading in a role, and do you fear others will see the truth behind your mask? Where, when and with whom do you feel authentic? (p. 163) These questions presume we have several identities, not just one. Honest answers can help you find yourself outside of your adoptee status. Lead with empathy. In a short timeframe, I have had the good fortune to meet and work with numerous adoptees. Likewise, I’ve read seminal works that some of us carry in our backpacks and purses. I’ve familiarized myself with texts that highlight our shared truths. Like some of you, The Primal Wound has informed my understanding of how adoption has affected my life. I shelved The Seven Core Issues of Adoption and Permanency beside Mother Hunger. All three are stacked on my bookcase. Podcasts, professional relationships, and collaborations have further shaped my understanding and impacted me on a personal level. As a result, I now assume that every adoptee I meet has interrelated trauma rooted in relinquishment. No matter how many degrees or how high functioning, I assume every adoptee wrestles with a unique combination of loss, grief, and rejection. Conscious or unconscious, I assume you, dear adoptee, are like me and struggle with a sense of belonging. We are, indeed, real-life mirrors for one another. Whether the reflection sparkles or is smudged, I offer every adoptee empathy. Before I hear anyone’s story, I know the other person deserves my compassion. They don’t have to earn it. This doesn’t mean we should withstand each other’s bad behavior. After all, we’ve been through enough, and we don’t need to re-traumatize one another. However, if anyone should understand why an adoptee “acts out,” demonstrates perceived bad behavior, or shows sadness and despondence, it should be us. Adoptees should be the first ones to offer empathy toward one another. Unfortunately, leading with empathy is not always the norm. It should be. We have choices when we meet with one another: we can either co-regulate our nervous systems, or we can further dysregulate them. I recommend the former. I suggest we practice the three above ways of being, so we can learn to honor one another and create authentic communities of care. It is in this way that our lives can and will be enriched by one another’s presence. Works Referenced: Silverstein, Deborah N., and Sharon Kaplan. “Seven Core Issues in Adoption.” September 10 (1982). Verrier, Nancy, N. The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child. (1993). Roszia, Sharon, and Allison Davis Maxon. Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Comprehensive Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing in Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2019. ABOUT THE AUTHOR: K E Garland is a same-race, domestic adoptee and an award-winning creative nonfiction writer and blogger. She is also co-founder of Black Adoptees Meetup. Garland writes to demarginalize women's issues. Her essays have been published in several anthologies, including Chicken Soup for the Soul's I'm Speaking Now: Black Women Share their Truth in 101 Stories of Love, Courage and Hope and Mamas, Martyrs, and Jezebels. Her work has also appeared in online magazines, such as midnight & indigo and Raising Mothers. Garland's debut memoir, In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict, illustrates how unresolved, interrelated trauma, including adoption, can lead to a behavioral addiction. Her book was long listed for the 2023 Santa Fe Writers Project. AKA invites you to hear from members of the extended family of adoption and the surrounding community. While we take great care in curating the content, please know
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